Why Forgiveness Has Nothing to Do With the Other Person

By Janelle Alexis | Personal Growth & Healing

Forgiveness might be the most misunderstood concept in personal development. We conflate it with reconciliation. We confuse it with condoning behavior. We think it requires an apology from the person who hurt us, or that we owe someone forgiveness simply because time has passed. None of that is true. And the misunderstanding of forgiveness is keeping a lot of women emotionally stuck in chapters that have already ended.

What Forgiveness Actually Is

Forgiveness is the decision to stop letting someone else’s actions occupy rent-free space in your nervous system. That’s it. It is not a statement about whether what happened was okay — it wasn’t. It is not a doorway back into a relationship — it doesn’t have to be. It is simply you choosing to stop paying the emotional tax on someone else’s debt.

I carried unforgiveness for longer than I should have. And the person it was hurting most was not the person I was angry at. It was me. My sleep, my creativity, my ability to be fully present in my business and my relationships — all of it suffered under the weight of grievances I was holding like a suitcase I couldn’t put down.

The Moment I Chose to Let It Go

I write about this extensively in Rose Colored Glasses — the specific chapter and what it cost me to write. I won’t spoil it here. What I will say is that the moment I chose forgiveness, it didn’t feel like relief. It felt like grief. Because to truly forgive, you have to truly acknowledge the wound first. You have to stop minimizing it, stop saying “it’s fine,” stop performing okayness. You have to say: that hurt me. And then you have to decide that your future is worth more than your anger.

Forgiveness Is a Practice, Not a Moment

You don’t forgive once and move on. Forgiveness is something you recommit to — sometimes daily, sometimes in the middle of a Tuesday when a memory surfaces and that old familiar anger shows up at the door. The practice is not resisting the feeling. It’s feeling it and then consciously choosing not to build your house there. Feel it, name it, release it. Repeat as necessary.

If this resonates with you, Rose Colored Glasses goes much deeper. And the Janelle Alexis newsletter includes personal essays like this one every week — join if you want more.

— Janelle Alexis