Self-Worth Is Not a Luxury: Lessons From a Woman Who Learned the Hard Way

By Janelle Alexis | Personal Growth

For most of my twenties, I operated from a deficit. Not financially — though that had its seasons too — but energetically. Emotionally. I gave from an empty place and called it generosity. I stayed silent when I should have spoken and called it grace. I accepted less than I deserved and called it gratitude. It took losing things I thought were permanent to finally understand that my self-worth was my responsibility, not someone else’s gift to give or withhold.

The Myth of Earned Worthiness

We grow up, especially as women, especially as Black women, with this implicit belief that worth is earned. That if we are good enough, helpful enough, beautiful enough, successful enough — then we will be worthy of love, respect, and safety. So we perform. We overextend. We shrink ourselves to fit into spaces that were never designed for our full expression.

And then, inevitably, life reminds you that worth cannot be earned because it was never taken from you in the first place. You arrive with it. The work is not earning it — the work is remembering it.

When I Finally Got It

My breaking point came not during the hardest moment of my life, but after it. When the storm had passed and I was still standing — not triumphantly, not gracefully, just still there — I looked around at what remained and I thought: all of this. Everything that survived. That is made of the same stuff as me. I survived. Which means there is something in me that does not break. And that something — that is worth something. That is everything.

I wrote about this in detail in my memoir Rose Colored Glasses. The specific chapters around betrayal and identity shift are the ones I hear about most from readers. Because they’re the truest ones. The ones that cost me the most to write and, it seems, give the most back.

Practical Ways to Reconnect With Your Worth

I’m not a therapist and I don’t play one on the internet. But I can share what has worked for me, and for the women I talk to and coach through similar seasons:

Name what you’ve been tolerating. Write it down. Not to complain — to see it clearly. You cannot change what you don’t acknowledge. What are you accepting in relationships, work, or your own self-talk that you would never accept for someone you love?

Do one thing every day that is only for you. Not productive. Not for your family or your clients or your boss. Just for you. This sounds small and it is small — and it matters enormously because it signals to your nervous system that you are worth showing up for.

Stop explaining your needs as though they require a defense. Your needs are not negotiable. Your preferences are not petty. You don’t owe anyone a thesis on why you deserve to be treated well.

Find community with women who are growing. Proximity is powerful. When you’re around women who are actively investing in themselves, that energy is contagious. Join the Janelle Alexis newsletter community — it’s a good place to start.

And if you haven’t read Rose Colored Glasses yet — this might be the right time.

— Janelle Alexis