Janelle Alexis Flatt wrote Was It Worth It? for the parent reading this at 2 a.m., phone in hand, wondering what she did wrong. The memoir chronicles her decades-long fight to save her daughter from the storm of borderline personality disorder (BPD) and addiction. Janelle is not a clinician and this is not treatment advice; these are lessons from the book, shared in the hope that other parents find them sooner.
1. You didn’t cause this
Mothers carry a special kind of shame when a child struggles, and the world is happy to hand it to us. BPD is complex, shaped by biology and circumstance. Your love was never the problem.
2. Get educated early
Behaviors that look like defiance can make more sense once you understand BPD: intense fear of abandonment, emotional swings, impulsivity and the push-pull in relationships. Understanding doesn’t make it hurt less, but it helps you stop taking every storm personally.
3. Look for evidence-based care
Treatments such as dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) were developed specifically for BPD. Ask providers what approach they use, and look for family programs too. Parents need skills, not just hope.
4. Boundaries are love, not abandonment
Rescuing can feel like loving, but it often keeps the cycle going. In the book, hard boundaries, and eventually no-contact, became a necessity. As Janelle writes, you are allowed to save yourself without it meaning you’ve given up on her.
5. Get on the same page as your co-parent
One parent rescuing while the other holds the line keeps the cycle spinning. If you can’t agree, get a counselor involved. If you truly can’t co-parent, protect your own boundaries anyway.
6. Build your own support system
You cannot pour from an empty cup. Find a therapist for you, a support group of parents who get it and friends who won’t judge. Organizations like NAMI offer free family education and support groups.
7. Radical acceptance is not giving up
The hardest lesson in the book: a mother cannot fix what biology and circumstance broke. She can love her child, keep the door open where it’s safe, and still reclaim her own life. Was it worth it? The pain screams no. The love whispers yes.
If you need help now: NAMI HelpLine (nami.org/help), SAMHSA National Helpline 1-800-662-4357 (free, confidential, 24/7), and in a crisis in the US, call or text 988.
Read Was It Worth It?: Amazon paperback · Kindle · Audiobook · Barnes & Noble · Apple Books
Tagged with :
